


Revenge of Willie the Broom Closet

by leopion



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Compliancy: HBP, F/M, Humour, Mild Profanity, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-09
Updated: 2011-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-22 10:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/237134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leopion/pseuds/leopion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Revenge. It isn't his favourite, but they must pay for their crimes. They have ruined the reputation of his fellow broom closets, and now Willie is determined to teach them a lesson they will never forget!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Revenge of Willie the Broom Closet

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** In its use of intellectual property and characters belonging to JK Rowling, Warner Bros, Bloomsbury Publishing, et cetera, this work of fiction is intended to be transformative commentary on the original. No profit is being made from this work.
> 
> Many thanks to Darkwinter999 for the summary, and to my beloved beta olgameisterfunk for helping me cleaning up the mess I've made. I've changed a few things after her beta-work, though. So any errors are all my fault.

It’d been a week since Willie decided on his revenge plan, yet there hadn’t been a chance to carry it out. Maybe it was because hardly any students wandered this corridor, which was also the reason why Willie hadn’t seen a kiss in his life. Now, you may wonder what was weird about having never seen a kiss before. As crazy as it sounds, Willie was a broom closet at Hogwarts. And you certainly know what broom closets are used for, apart from keeping brooms, of course. So you can probably tell that Willie was a very special broom closet. He was, indeed, unique since the time when broom closets were still single-purposed. The enchantment in him was so much stronger than the ones in the other broom closets at Hogwarts that only Willie could actually interact with creatures and objects that weren’t broom closets.

However, Willie had been understandably unhappy with the current situation. You see, the reputation of broom closets was sinking rapidly to the lowest level in centuries. Want proof? Just listen to the everyday conversations of Hogwarts students these days:

‘Honestly, you two should find a broom closet!’

‘He obviously has just come out of a broom closet!’

‘… broom closet…’

‘… broom closet…’

‘… broom closet…’

Or that was what he heard from other broom closets (who heard it from various sources such as the paintings, the suits of armour and the Hogwarts ghosts). Well, perhaps that was a little unfair. Somehow everybody had forgotten the spaces behind the tapestries, empty classrooms, the Astronomy Tower and… other kinds of closets. As a result, broom closets became the only ones to blame.

At their last monthly meeting, the ABC—aka the Association of Broom Closets—assigned Willie a very important mission: ‘Teaching Hogwarts students a lesson’, which he happily accepted. Seeing that he was the only one capable of such task, the committee had also let Willie decide on the detailed action plan.

So, there he was, eager than ever to grab a couple of students into him and then torture them so that they wouldn’t dare walk into a broom closet again, let alone kiss in it. Hearing footsteps resonating from the staircase and the adjoining corridor, Willie held his breath and waited. Finally, he had his opportunity! He saw a tall, rather good-looking blond boy coming down from the seventh floor and a pretty brunette girl striding down the corridor. Willie definitely wouldn’t miss this chance. He opened his door and began to breathe in with all his might to suck them inside. It worked! If Willie happened to have a proper mouth, he would have smirked triumphantly to himself.

^-^

After finishing Harry’s Herbology essay (finish checking it, she meant), Hermione decided to go to the library to study a bit. As she was striding down a rarely used corridor which she knew as a shortcut to the library, Hermione suddenly found herself thrown into somewhere incredibly dark. Luckily, she landed on something rather soft and warm… _somebody_ , to be exact.

‘Ouch! Get your arse off me!’

Hermione recognised the voice at once. ‘Malfoy,’ she began but was rudely interrupted by a loud cackling voice. _Since when did Malfoy cackle anyway?_

‘Finally, I’ve caught you. Ha ha ha…’

‘What?’ asked Hermione, clearly surprised. This was definitely not Malfoy.

‘You couples must pay for what you’ve done to us broom closets!’

‘What the hell… broom closets???’

Obviously Malfoy was so shocked he forgot to sneer. Hermione was equally shocked though not because of the existence of talking broom closets in Hogwarts. It was the fact that _she_ did not know about such an important detail that had caused her dismay. So much for reading _Hogwarts – A History_ from cover to cover every week for nearly six years. She made a mental note to reread it as soon as she got out of here.

With a click, a dim light replaced the utter darkness, allowing Hermione to take in her surroundings. She was in an average-sized room with a low ceiling and plain, rough stone walls. In a corner sat a heap of obviously broken broomsticks covered in thick dust, but other than that, the room seemed to be clean enough. The voice Hermione had heard previously continued to boast.

‘Now, now, what do we have here? Another couple trying to sneak into a broom closet and snog…’

Malfoy sniggered, having already straightened up after Hermione’s landing.

‘Listen, you stupid broom closet. You really think that I’m dating that _filthy Mudblood_? What a laugh!’

‘Oh, shut up, Ferret!’ snapped Hermione angrily. ‘Sorry, uhm… Mr Broom Closet. But we are not a couple.’

‘Don’t try to fool me. It’ll only make the punishment more severe. He he…’

The broom closet laughed evilly while two pairs of handcuffs appeared out of nowhere, wrapping themselves around both Hermione and Malfoy’s wrists. The handcuffs then started to pull them roughly towards two opposite stone walls before firmly attaching themselves there. The walls then began to move closer together as if going to crush them. This was definitely not good.

^-^

Draco wasn’t exactly having the time of his life. Okay, maybe that was an understatement. True, everything had gone on fairly well at first. His project did make progress, and he hadn’t been killed by either an impatient Dark Lord or a furious Dumbledore... yet. After exiting the Room of Requirement, Draco told Crabbe and Goyle to go back to the dungeons first while he went a longer, less travelled way to get there later – he’d rather not get caught hanging around with them in this section of the castle. Well, up to that point, he could have called it a successful day. Unfortunately, things would never go the way you had expected. A series of dreadful incidents occurred when Draco was on his way back to his warmly awaiting bed: he was thrown into something which turned out to be a talking broom closet, was squashed by a heavy weight which turned out to be Granger, and now he found himself screaming as he was about to crash into an also-screaming Granger. How charming!

He had yet to decide that screaming was too girly for him when the walls suddenly stopped, which made his screaming stop as well. Hell started again in no time when an enormous, sharp-looking blade began its chop-chop dance right in the slim space between him and the Mudblood. At least this time Draco managed to stop screaming. Apparently, the blade didn’t feel like taking a break any time soon, and Granger was still enjoying screaming at the top of her lungs. _Yeah! Serve her right_.

Finally, Granger seemed to be tired of screaming. She was now just a few inches away from him, but they had settled in a pretty painful position: both were kneeling with their hands tied behind their backs, trying to press themselves against the walls as close as possible to avoid being chopped.

‘It seems like this blade won’t hurt us as long as we don’t try to kiss each other’, said Granger knowingly.

‘Like I would ever want to kiss _you_ – buck-teethed bookworm, frizzy-haired, suck-up know-it-all.’

‘Think of something else, Malfoy. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.’

‘A what?’ asked Draco, unable to contain his curiosity.

‘A rocket scientist,’ replied Granger. ‘Oh, never mind. It’s a Muggle thing.’

‘And they say that Gryffindors play fair.’

‘What do you mean I don’t play fair?’

‘Like throwing a bunch of Muggle insults at someone who doesn’t know what they mean is fair.’ Draco pouted, an extremely seductive pout in his opinion, one that would have made any Hogwarts girl save Granger melt. She simply snorted. She _snorted_ at his extremely seductive pout. Wait a minute! Why the hell would he want to seduce her anyway? Broom-closet’s-special-atmospherics-effect? Maybe.

‘It’s not my fault you didn’t take Muggle Studies,’ Granger dryly pointed out. ‘And you are an ascorbic telly robotic synthesizer, by the way,’ she added with a smirk on her face.

Draco scowled. Maybe he should have taken Muggle studies. As they say, ‘Know your enemies’. But why did his enemy just have to be that annoying Mudblood? And why did he have to get stuck with her in this bloody broom closet?

^-^

Hermione couldn’t help smirking at the look on Malfoy’s face. Who knew there would be a day when Draco ‘I’m-such-a-stuck-up-git-I-can’t-help-smirking-incessantly’ Malfoy was smirked at, and by Muggle-born Hermione Granger, no less. The funny thing was, she hadn’t even said any proper insults to him, just some Muggle words that happened to cross her mind at that particular moment (which lacked both the qualities of making sense and being grammatically correct). Honestly, did he actually believe that she knew that much about Muggle-only insults after six years at Hogwarts? The look on his face was priceless, though. Hermione wished she’d had a camera with her.

However, Hermione knew this wasn’t high time to enjoy her little victory over Malfoy now that her body started to ache mightily. There must be some way to get out of here. She was in a _broom closet with Malfoy_ for goodness’s sake. What if Harry had finished his lesson with Dumbledore and decided to check the Marauder’s Map to see where Malfoy was? Hermione would rather not think of the consequences.

^-^

Willie sighed. The couple that he’d been holding captive had tried their best to prove that they were not a couple, but had failed rather miserably. They were arguing non-stop like those married couples he knew (broom closet couples, of course). They also called each other names: Bookworm and Ferret. Willie didn’t know what those particular creatures looked like, but had nevertheless decided that they sounded rather cute. Yeah, Willie was fully capable of telling which was a rude nickname and which was a pet name when he saw one. Anyway, he was getting bored. He started thinking of pushing those two suddenly together so that they’d end up kissing. No, he didn’t want to encourage that sort of thing, but he was indeed extremely bored. ‘That kiss won’t be enjoyable when they are pushed from that position,’ he reasoned. Wouldn’t that be the perfect phase two of his revenge plan? Showing the couple how uncomfortable kissing in a broom closet really was while simultaneously satisfying his curiosity? Ingenious! Willie was still uncertain whether or not he should release them from the cuffs, though.

^-^

‘That won’t work, you know. Can’t believe you are the so-called "smartest witch in our year",’ Malfoy remarked almost lazily as Hermione desperately tried to get hold of her wand, which was sticking out from her pocket.

‘Sorry to disappoint you, Mr Royal Arse. If you are so clever, why don’t you—’

She was cut off mid-sentence, her eyes growing wide. Her lips were pressing against Malfoy’s. Hermione stiffened, trying to ignore the tingling sensation resulted from his touch. But then he ran his slender fingers into her hair to cradle her head, and she was lost. She could practically hear her own heart skip a beat and feel a shiver running down her back. And before she knew it, her hands had grown a mind of their own and started to grab a handful of his shirt. No, no, no, she was _not_ kissing Draco Malfoy. But it felt so right being here in his arms, feeling his warmth lingering with her own. No, no, no, where were those handcuffs and dangerous blade when you needed them? Her rational side wanted her to push away, but her emotional side and her body wanted to do otherwise. Two against one.

Well, you know the result.

Draco Malfoy was kissing a girl. Her lips were so soft against his, her hair feeling like silk between his fingers. He breathed in her intoxicating scent of honey and lilac. It felt like heaven holding her in his arms, caressing her delicate lips. Ironically, only a few minutes ago he’d teased her about her frizzy hair and said that he would never want to kiss her. No matter how he hated to admit it, Draco was kissing Hermione Granger and was enjoying it.

^-^

Willie blushed. The pair before him, or more precisely, inside him, was kissing passionately, not realizing that the walls around them had turned crimson. Damn the broom closets’ reputation, damn his stupid revenge plan! Willie had never felt more embarrassed in his entire life. Oh, he couldn’t take it any more! He guessed his only choice was to kick them out and then somehow have his memory erased.

^-^

Draco and Hermione finally broke apart, gasping for air. Moments later, they were ‘kicked’ out of the room by a pair of very dusty broomsticks and found themselves in the corridor again. Standing up groggily and avoiding each other’s eyes, our two ‘innocent victims’ began to walk away in opposite directions, completely unaware that they were both cursing under their breath, ‘Stupid hormones.'


End file.
